The 2018 Silmaril Awards: Announcing the Most Nefarious Villain!

You know, I'm beginning to understand why Jenelle was laughing so hard when she passed this award category on to me. She said it would be easy. HA! I mean, seriously, what was I thinking, getting myself into this…what? I'm on? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MUMBLE WHEN YOU SAY “ACTION”, STEVE??? You know how I hate the mumbling!

Hello, everyone! Welcome back to the 2018 Silmaril Awards, where are about to unveil the winner of our darkest category…The Most Nefarious Villain! But before we reveal the lucky villain's name, let's give a round of applause to our presenters this year. We have a dark trio on the stage today…Saruman the White; Gollum, formerly Sméagol; and the Dark Lord himself….SAURON!!!

Oh. Hold on. I'm being told that Sauron can't actually be here personally, due to matters in the land of Mordor that require his attention. One does not simply reschedule Mordor. But, to supervise the proceedings, he has sent his…eye.

Uh-huh. So…that big glowy eyeball is just gonna…float around up there over the stage and watch us, huh? Right. That's not creepy at all.

Good luck, Saruman. Knock 'em dead.

Saruman: Why, thank you. I shall be most happy to…

Kyle: NOT literally.

Saruman: Oh.

Kyle: And Gollum, get AWAY from that Silmaril! It is NOT your precious! BAD Gollum! Don't make me get the spray bottle!

Gollum: PRECIOUSSSSSSS…

Kyle: I thought you got turned to stone by the White Witch back in 2016!

Gollum: I gots better!

Kyle: Hrrrrgh. Get this over with, Saruman; I can feel an evil migraine coming on.

Saruman: Certainly.

Kyle: Oh, and just to be clear, there will be none of that teaming-up-to-take-over-the-world stuff that Shift tried to get going last year. Nor will there be any brawling amongst villains. Understood?

Saruman: *sigh* As you wish. Greetings, ladies, gentlemen, and orcs. There are many who aspire to be evil. Countless black-hearted scoundrels who unleash forbidden magic, amass armies of monsters, and murder fan-favorite characters, all to achieve the coveted status of Villain. But in the end, only one master of darkness is eligible to be considered the greatest fantastical villain of all time. And that person is…

Gollum: MEEE!!!

Saruman: SILENCE, GIBBERING CRETIN! The greatest villain is clearly me!

Sauron directs the Side-Eye of Doom at Saruman.

Saruman: Ha ha ha ha ha ha, of course, I misspoke, my lord. You are the greatest villain. You are the Dark Lord, after all. A mere slip of the tongue. Our names are somewhat similar.

The great eye continues to appear suspicious, but seems to accept this expalantion.

Saruman: Be that as it may, there are others, besides the great Sauron, who deserve recognition for their despicable exploits. Five of them have summoned their ever-loyal minions from across the worlds to vote for them, so that they may discover which one deserves the Dark Silmaril of Villainy this year. It was a hard-fought contest, but by a slim margin, a winner emerged at last. Ladies, gentlemen, and various and sundry thralls of darkness, please welcome this year's winner…

Queen Levana from The Lunar Chronicles, with 26% of the vote!

Saruman drapes the dark and foreboding Silmaril around Levana's neck.

Levana: My thanks, Saruman. I accept this acknowledgment of my superiority–though of course, it is not required to prove that I am, in fact, the most powerful and feared person in this room.

Saruman: Always excepting the Dark Lord, of course.

Levana meets the gaze of the Eye of Sauron. A hush falls over the crowd. Clearly, the Queen is attempting to bring her Lunar abilities to bear upon this manifestation of the Dark Lord's strength. The lidless Eye never wavers…which is more than can be said for Levana's glamour. It flickers, briefly revealing the hideously scarred visage beneath, before she tears her gaze away and composes herself with some difficulty. Her impossibly beautiful visage is back in place, though she appears greatly shaken.

Levana: A debate for another time, perhaps.

Saruman: I should make it clear that the Lunar Queen's magic was not employed to achieve her victory. The other contestants ranked as follows:

In second place, Veed from The Tale of the Fallen with 23% of the vote.

Third, Captain Hook from Peter Pan with 21%.

Fourth, Lord Whitlock from Beaumont and Beasley with 15%.

And fifth, Death-in-Life/The Dragon from Goldstone Wood with 15% (one less vote than Lord Whitlock).

And now, my friends, let us make merry and…

An extremely old woman, scary beyond all reason, suddenly rushes onto the stage, panting for breath.

Gollum: AAAAAAGH! He attempts to snatch the Silmaril from Levana. Protect the precioussss!

Levana: Get back, you hideous little creature.

Yzma: Seriously? This is who they've got presenting the award? A leftover hippie with a disco ball and…what is that thing, one of those hairless cats?

Gollum hisses at her.

Saruman: What is the meaning of this? You are not an authorized contender! If you intend to challenge the rules of this contest, witch…

Yzma: Oh, calm down, Beardy. I'm not trying to take over the ceremony. I was hired to handle security at this event. Not exactly how I planned to spend the prime of my life, but I got fired from my job as adviser to the emperor over a trifling little misunderstanding, and then I spent some time as a cat, and then…

Saruman: Explain yourself before I smite you.

Yzma: Shut up and listen. We need to evacuate this place. Now.

Saruman: Whatever for?

Yzma: Because there's a whole bunch of powerful villains who didn't get enough nominations to make the top five…and they're NOT. HAPPY. Even worse, they're storming the gates right now.

Levana: I was under the impression that you could transform people into llamas. Why haven't you done that to these other villains?

Yzma: Oh, what a brilliant idea! Why the heck didn't I think of that? I TRIED. My potions don't work on them.

Saruman: It is of no consequence. Sauron and I can easily defeat this army of upstarts.

Yzma: Whatever. I'm out of here. This isn't worth minimum wage.

Gollum hisses at her again as she passes by. Yzma flinches, produces a small vial of potion, and dumps it on him. In a puff of pink smoke, he transforms into an adorable little kitten.

Yzma: What do you know? At least they work on somebody.

Gollum the Kitty: I GETS BETTER! YOU WATCH OUTS, SCARY VERY OLD LADY!

The wall of the banquet hall collapses in a fiery explosion, and dozens of villains shove their way inside, shouting and screeching.

Saruman: Ladies and gentlemen, out of respect for our master of ceremonies, who has asked that we keep wanting carnage to a minimum this year, let us attempt to resolve our differences with these interlopers peacefully. We shall examine their eligibility for the awards on a case by case basis. Starting with you there, at the front. Yes, the one without a nose.

Voldemort: Pay no attention to that large, unsettling eyeball! I am the Dark Lord!

The Eye's pupil dilates ominously.

Saruman: Oh, really? And what is your villanous quest!

Voldemort: To destroy Harry Potter!

Saruman: Is he a hobbit?

Voldemort: … Not quite.

Saruman: I am rapidly losing interest. Do you have any other villainous goals?

Voldemort: To become immortal!

Saruman: Most of us figured out that bit on the first day of being evil. Your application is denied. Next! You, the green one. No, the other green one, on the broom. Yes, come right up here. What is your goal?

The Wicked Witch of the West: To destroy Dorothy!

Saruman: Let me guess– she's not a hobbit.

WWW: Er…no, but I also want to retrieve the Silver Shoes!

Saruman: Do they grant the wearer dominion over all the realms?

WWW: No, but they let you instantly travel anywhere in the multiverse!

Saruman: Teleportation? Seriously? That's all you want, and you call yourself an iconic villain? Application denied. Next! The large, red-faced woman in the back.

The Queen of Hearts: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!

Saruman: Ah. Yes. Quite. So, what's your–

QoH: OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!

Saruman: So, reading between the lines, it would seem that your goal is for people to not have heads.

QoH: OFF WITH THEIR–

Saruman: Oh, never mind! All your applications are denied! We will have no more of this foolishness! Get out, and take your one-dimensional motivations with you!

Gollum the Kitty: Why doesn't we just join other evilnesses? Giving preciouses away no fun. TAKING preciouses, very very wonderfulness!

Saruman: Why Gollum…what a delightful idea. Of course, I did promise our host that no legions of evil would be formed at this ceremony…but we are villains, after all. Of what value are our promises? My friends! You desire Silmarils? Then let us march across that mysterious realm which is called the Internet, and seize each and every Silmaril that has been granted to every hero, every supporting character, and every villain across all time and space! The Silmaril Awards shall be the plaything of Sauron for all of eternity…and darkness shall spread through each and every reality!

A loud and hearty cheer arises from the horde as they rush at the stage. Levana holds her own Silmaril aloft, a cruel glint in her glamour-enhanced eyes.

Lord Whitlock: All right, I think that's quite enough.

Saruman: Who dares challenge the will of Saruman? Pompous fool! Your universe is nothing more than a tiny infant compared to ancient and hallowed realms like Middle-Earth or the Potterverse!

Whitlock: Perhaps. But it's my world, and I won't have any of you grubby old maniacs trampling all over it. So I'm stopping this multiversal invasion before it can get started.

Whitlock snaps his fingers, and long chains of glowing red runes stream from his hand into every corner of the banquet hall. The ground begins to shake.

Saruman: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Whitlock: Oh, did Mr. Shultz neglect to mention that this little pocket dimension is upheld by magic from the Afterverse? Spells which I designed myself? All I need to do is apply the proper sequence of runes, and it all comes tumbling down. Every last villain will be sent back to his or her proper domain–including the Underworld, if they're supposed to be dead.

Saruman: WHAT? You…y-you wouldn't dare!

Whitlock: I already have. Bye-bye, Mr. Saruman. Perhaps I'll see you again next year.

All the villainous voices rise in a time-honored, traditional chorus of defeat.

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

Then, in a blink of red light, they're all gone. Whitlock smiles briefly and indulges in a sinister chuckle before vanishing himself.

And so, yet another Most Nefarious Villain Award ceremony comes to an end.

*********

Hooo. Okay. It's over. Try to ignore the evil migraine and just keep telling yourself that, Kyle. It could have been worse. At least you survived.

Excuse me? Am I late?

You? Oh, wow…um…you know, you're not actually eligible, I'm afraid…

I'm not? You do understand that I'm the actual, card-carrying Queen of Evil, right?

Yeah…sorry. You're very, very not eligible, given that you're not from a book or from the fantasy genre. But all the same, it's awesome to meet you. Could I get an autograph, maybe?

I'll do you one better, dear. How about a selfie?

Awesome! Let's just stand over here…wow, that's, uh…an interesting phone…

Mm, yes, it is, isn't it? Now…say something nice.

Uh-oh.

*DZZZZZT*

The 2018 Silmaril Awards: Vote for the Most Nefarious Villain!

Look, I don't care what the UPS regulations are, I'm not signing for these live great white sharks until you put them where they're supposed to be. They obviously belong down there, under the glass floor, where all the water is! Not up here on the stage with me! And hurry, I think those giant styrofoam cartons are starting to leak. The salt-water might make these decorative evil contraptions go haywire. We don't want that Laser of Doom going off…

*DZZZZZZT* *Wilhelm scream*

See? Now move the sharks!!

Oh, am I on? Whoops.

Aaaaand we're back with the 2018 Silmaril Awards! Welcome, all, to the Most Nefarious Villain Voting Round…OF DOOM!!!

Okay, that last part wasn't real; nobody is going to be doomed. So long as they stay away from that laser, at least.

As you can see…I mean, read…we are already gearing up for the big awards ceremony. No point in leaving it until the last minute! And you'll be happy to hear that I've hired a much better Head of Security for this year, who is already doing a marvelous job turning away potential gate-crashers.

It is no concern of mine that you weren't popular enough to get nominated! You really should have thought of that before you became a D-list villain. NEXT!

*ahem* Moving swiftly on…you came up with some wonderfully nefarious nominations for this award. So many, that I had to make an enormous Spreadsheet of Evil just to keep track of them. I was forced to delete it when I was done to prevent it from taking over my computer and launching a new Age of Ultron. I think I managed to fully destroy it, though.

I'VE GOT NO STRINGS…

AAAAAHHHH!!! *DZZZZT*

Whew. Sorry about that. Anyway, only the top five villains could go on to the voting round…and here they are!

(I would recommend clapping, if you value your lives.)

First, we have…Queen Levana from the Lunar Chronicles! A powerful mind-controller with a heart of ice, Levana will stop at nothing to secure her rule over Luna and to extend her empire to Earth. Her preternatural glamour hides the secret of what set her on a dark and bloody path. No one is safe from her ambition and cruelty.

Yes, Your Majesty, just stand right there….and may I say, you are looking lovely today. Is that a new glamour? No, I'm not going to just hand over the award and skip the rest of the ceremonies. No, don't bother controlling my mind. I'm an author. I'm immune to that sort of thing. Stop it. Thank you.

Next up…Veed from The Tale of the Fallen! His most menacing quality isn't his supernatural power, it's his ruthless determination to win. He styles himself a hero in a land beset by an invasion of demons, but all he truly cares about is his dark agenda. He'll assure you he's on your side, but trust him at your peril.

Wow, man, I have to say…the folks on Goodreads LOATHE you. I've rarely encountered such visceral hatred for a villain. Care to comment on that? No? Anything at all to say? … Stop smiling at me like that. You're freaking me out.

Third…The Dragon (also known as Death-in-Life) from the Tales of Goldstone Wood series! A truly despicable creature who lives to spread corruption and sorrow. He rules the twisted and vile dragons of his realm, and creates more by burning away the humanity of his victims with poisonous magic. The Dragon will not rest until he has snuffed out all light with his darkness.

Just…stand back, okay? Way, wayyyy back. I imagine you'll take this as a compliment, but you are super, SUPER creepy. What's that? Uhhh, no thanks. Actually, I'd be fine with turning into a dragon…but your way of doing it sounds painful and gross, so I'm gonna say no.

Fourth…Lord Whitlock from the Beaumont and Beasley series! He's evil, and he loves it. Though heroism beckoned in his youth, he turned his back on it to pursue power and vengeance. His chief goal in life is to be feared, not just as a powerful enchanter, but as a true monster of legend. He's willing to sacrifice anyone to achieve this transformation, even his own daughter.

I most certainly will NOT give you the award just because you're one of my characters. Besides, after what you've done to some of my other characters, I've half a mind to kill you off for good. Don't you threaten me with your magic! I INVENTED your magic! One more word out of you, and I'll arrange for you to be eaten by Neverwolves.

Our fifth and final nominee is Captain Hook from Peter Pan! This iconic pirate is the embodiment of vengefulness and spite. He's determined to destroy Peter and his comrades over the loss of his hand to the crocodile…though he'd probably want to do it even if he didn't have a reason. The telltale tick of a clock may be his Achilles heel, but even so, he is not to be underestimated.

Oh, quit glaring at me, Hook. Just because I replaced you with a woman in my fictional universe is no reason to get huffy. That happens to fictional characters all the time these days. Grow up.

On to the voting! Enter your choice for Most Nefarious Villain, as well as your picks for our other categories, using the handy form below.

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Here are links to the other voting posts, so you can hear more about the nominees in other categories:

Wisest Councillor – Deborah O’Carroll

Least Competent Henchman – Jenelle Schmidt

Most Silver Tongued – D.J. Edwardson

Most Epic Hero – E.E. Rawls

Strangest Character – Zachary Totah

Most Epic Heroine – Madeline Rose

Most Mischievous Imp – Abbey Stellingwerff

Most Magnificent Dragon – Tracey Dyck

Most Loyal Friend – Savannah Grace

Voting closes at midnight on September 14, so don't delay!

All right, nominees, our Head of Security will show you to your rooms. Just don't take any drinks from her. We don't want this to become the Most Nefarious Llama Award. (Though that could be fun.)

I certainly hope she keeps any uninvited guests from showing up this year…

*ominous distant thunder*

The 2018 Silmaril Award Nominations: Most Nefarious Villain (CLOSED)

UPDATE: Nominations are now closed! Thanks for your great choices, everyone!


It's that time of year again, everyone! … Well, actually it's not, because we decided to do it at a different time of year than we did last time, so it's a new time, so never mind.

That got away from me. Let's try again.

It's time…for the 2018 Silmaril Awards!

Yes, the ever-popular blog event is back (with a slightly tweaked name), and once again, my fellow bloggers and I are calling on YOU to nominate your favorite fictional characters for a variety of award categories. (You can read more about the awards on the brand new official website!)

Last year, I was assigned the Least Competent Henchman category. The award ceremony went off without a hitch. Absolutely no problems whatsoever.

*ahem*

Anyway, here are some very important rules about who you can nominate. Failure to comply with these rules will result in unstable rifts in the multiverse, so don't blame me if you end up getting kissed by a Dementor or something.

Here, then, are the official rules, as written by Galadriel herself* centuries ago.

*OK, maybe not, but they're still important, so pay attention.

RULE THE FIRSTETH: Verily and forsooth, authors canst not nominate their own characters. Ye slingers of ink are, however, welcome—nay, encouragedeth—to telleth thine fans about the awards.

RULE THE SECONDETH: Mark ye well—only characters from FANTASY BOOKS canst be nominated for awards! [Kronk's unauthorized intrusion upon last year's Henchman ceremony notwithstandingeth.] Those characters who haileth from the silver screen art not eligible, unlesseth the BOOK came FIRST, before dark and forbidden sorcery was used to transmuteth it into a “movie”.

ADDENDUMETH TO RULE THE SECONDETH: Verily, we doth alloweth some lee-way as doth regard the blurry line between fantasy and science fiction. If thou canst make a meritorious argument for whysoever a book which doth technicallyeth be science fiction counteth as fantasy, thine nomination may yet be eligible.

RULE THE THIRDETH: Characters who hath wonneth a Silmaril before, in ye olden days of yore and auld lang syne, doth be part of the “lifetime” Hall of Fame for aforementionedeth award and shalt not be nominated for an award they hast already wonneth. Also, characters who hast been created by J.R.R. Tolkien, the One Fantasy Author to Rule Them All, doth be archetypes of all the categories and art therefore not eligible for nominations.

RULE THE FOURTHETH: Whosomever shalt violateth these rules shalt be devouredeth by a balrog, eftsoons and right speedily. Eth.

Iffeth *AHEM* If you have any questions about these rules or about a potential nomination, give me a shout-out in the comments! I will be happy to pass it on to The Powers That Be.

As for the category, this year, I will be managing the award for…

THE MOST NEFARIOUS VILLAIN!

YES! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *EVIL THUNDER* REJOICE WITH ME, MY EVIL MINIONS! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR!

(Just to be clear, my role as Master of Ceremonies sadly prevents me from being personally eligible for this award.)

So, who do you think is the Most Nefarious Villain in fantasy fiction? Based on the rules above, enter your nominations in the comments! Once we've gathered enough names, I will follow up with a voting post on September 10th.

Nominations close on September 7 at midnight, so get yours in now!

Here are links to the other participating blogs so you can nominate characters for the rest of the categories:

Wisest Councillor – Deborah O'Carroll

Least Competent Henchman – Jenelle Schmidt

Most Silver Tongued – D.J. Edwardson

Most Epic Hero – E.E. Rawls

Strangest Character – Zachary Totah

Most Epic Heroine – Madeline Rose

Most Mischievous Imp – Abbey Stellingwerff

Most Magnificent Dragon – Tracey Dyck

Most Loyal Friend – Savannah Grace

Thanks for participating in the Silmarillion Awards! MWAHAHAHAHAHA cough cough cough What do you mean, “mad with power”? I'm fine!